A Seaside Practise Read online

  Title Page

  A Seaside Practice

  Dr Tom Smith

  Publisher Information

  © 2011 Watson Little

  This digital edition published in 2011 under licence to Andrews UK Ltd

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  Chapter One

  Arrival

  I had arrived in Collintrae on April Fool’s Day, 1965 - not an auspicious date. On April 3rd, the local newspaper, the Carrick Herald, kindly featured me on the front page. ‘NEW DOCTOR SETTLES IN’ was the muted headline, and my career, from my birth in Glasgow to my schooling in Lincoln, and my medical training in Birmingham, was politely reviewed. I would have been encouraged were it not for the article immediately beside it.

  Its headline was in larger, much bolder print. ‘FIVE DEATHS IN THE STINCHAR COMMUNITY IN ONE WEEK. UNPRECEDENTED TRAGEDIES.’ Under it were five photographs of recently deceased people, all of whom would appear to have shuffled off their mortal coil in direct reaction to my arrival in the area. Apparently the paper’s staff had looked up the records. Never before had five people from our little collection of villages died in one week. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t actually seen any of them. Four had died in hospital and one in a road accident miles away, but the connection seemed sure and augured ill. The local newspaper obviously felt the same. It seemed that I was too young, and worse still, I had qualified in England.

  With this less-than-encouraging coverage in the local press I had to tackle my first day as doctor, and this was to take place in Barrhill, one of the three villages under my care. Three times a week, the Collintrae doctor drives inland, up the valley of the river Stinchar through the village of Kilminnel to Braehill. The surgery there was in the house of a Mrs Jeanie Braidfoot, and had been fully kitted out by the previous doctors, all of whom had stayed a while then left for better, bigger and less solitary practices. Like a mother hen Jeanie had looked after my predecessors, and the tradition would, it seemed, continue with me.

  Seven or eight elderly ladies were busy chatting in Mrs Braidfoot’s front room, which served as my waiting room. They didn’t look ill. They could have been there for afternoon tea, not to see me. But see me they were determined to do. It became clear that it was I, not them, who was to be examined and assessed. These ladies had seen off five doctors in the last decade, and they were going to add another one to their list.

  My initial glance at the room had missed a much younger woman, who had been sitting behind the door. When I called for the first patient, she walked across the hall into the room that served as the surgery. My first thought was relief: she looked well and happy enough. I didn’t have the sinking feeling that comes when an obviously ill person walks into the room. That is, until she rolled up her sleeve.

  On the front of her forearm, just above the wrist, was a skin problem that I had never seen before in a person - only in gory photographic detail in my ‘skins’ textbooks. It was a lump about two centimetres across, fiery and infected, raised above the skin and with a thickened edge. It looked horribly sore. Mary Bryant, its ‘owner’, said it wasn’t. In fact, it was painless.

  That wasn’t good news. If it wasn’t painful, all my training suggested that it was malignant. The medical name for it was a ‘squamous cell cancer’, and at that size it was surely very advanced. It had appeared and developed in only a week, so I assumed it was growing extremely fast. With a sense of real foreboding I reached for the telephone.

  I was lucky. The consultant in ‘skins’ was doing a clinic in Ayr that afternoon, and if I could get Mary up to him before it closed, he would see her that day. But the conversation took a curious turn. It went something like this:

  Me: I wonder if you could see this young lady urgently. I’m worried that she has a very fast-growing lesion on her wrist. It looks like a squamous cell problem (Mary was in the room with me, so the language had to be guarded).

  The dermatologist: Oh yes? And what does she do, this lady?

  Me: She’s a shepherd’s wife.

  The dermatologist: Oh yes? And how long have you been in Braehill?

  Me: I started today.

  The dermatologist: OK. Send her in. I’ll see her for you.

  Ayr was an hour’s drive away, so I wrote a letter to the dermatologist, gave it to her and packed her off. I expected to hear later that she had been admitted to hospital.

  Around four o’clock the phone rang. I was still wading through my series of elderly ladies. It was the dermatologist. The conversation was brief and to the point:

  Him: So where did you train, doctor?

  Me: Birmingham.

  Him: Not many sheep in Birmingham, then?

  Me: Er, no.

  Him: You’ve just sent me a case of orf.

  Me: Pardon?

  Him: Orf. Sheep pox. She has caught it from feeding a lamb. Never heard of the Folies Bergères?

  Me: Pardon?

  Him: The Shepherdess Follies. It’s in Paris. Read up about it. Welcome to the district. And don’t worry, you’re not the first to make that mistake.

  Me: So how do I treat it?

  Him: You don’t. It gets better on its own. Wait and see.

  The dermatologist, Tommy Cochrane, and I eventually became great friends. We looked after many patients together, but he never let me forget that first conversation. Orf has three lines in the most complete textbook of medicine, and doesn’t appear in any of the others. It’s related to smallpox and cowpox. Only people who work with sheep catch it, and once infected they are immune for life from further ‘orf’ attack and from other pox viruses. Lambs get it around their mouths, and it spreads to humans who have to bottle-feed them.

  So why the reference to the Folies Bergères? It’s simple. Sheep farmers and their shepherdesses would catch orf at an early age. All it produced was that one patch. Sheep pox doesn’t spread further in humans. So when the mark healed, they were unscarred and immune from smallpox. Two hundred years ago, everyone else caught smallpox. The survivors were ‘pock-marked’ – with pitted scars all over their bodies, and particularly their faces. Only shepherdesses and milkmaids (who caught cowpox in the same way) had smooth features and healthy complexions. So the Folies recruited shepherdesses for their shows.

  My episode with Mary Bryant didn’t do me any harm. Mary was a newcomer to the village and to farming, and didn’t know about orf. If she had been a born-and-bred local she wouldn’t have bothered me with such an obvious problem. But the locals understood that I had done my best for her, and that was all that mattered.

  Chapter Two

  Collintrae

  The sleepy village of Collintrae lies on the south-west coast of Scotland, and stretches along a long shingle shoreline, its southern border being the mouth of the River Stinchar. Seen from the sea, there is a row of fisherman’s cottages bordered to the west by a solid sandstone harbour wall. Behind the cottages, more protected from the winter storms, is the heart of the village, where the landsmen, farm workers and foresters live. Where the village road meanders eastwards up the River Stinchar’s north bank towards the higher country, there’s a smattering of bigger houses for teachers, bankers, lawyers and businessmen – the commuters to Girvan thirteen miles to the north. In its single main street stands Collintrae’s one church, three pubs (the Ayrshire Scot has h
is priorities right), and three shops.

  Seven miles up river, along that meandering road, lies Kilminnel, the centre for the local dairy and arable farmers, cosily settled into the valley floor, alongside rich alluvial fields and looking across at low, green, rolling foothills. Eight miles further on is Braehill, higher still, nestling in the valley between steeper, browner, heather-clad hills, where the sheep and beef cattle, grazing there all year round, have been enough to keep families reasonably comfortable for hundreds of years.

  These three villages of Collintrae, Kilminell and Braehill made up my practice, which stretched twenty miles along the coast road from north to south, and thirty miles eastwards from the shores of Collintrae – six hundred square miles in all. With just eighteen hundred human inhabitants, that’s just three people per square mile. They were all my responsibility. There were also around a hundred thousand sheep and twenty thousand beef cattle. Thankfully they were the vet’s domains – or so, in my initial innocence, I thought.

  It had been my wife Mairi who had found the advert in the British Medical Journal about the vacancy in Collintrae.. It’s a long way from Birmingham – both in miles and in atmosphere. To be frank, I had seen my future in the Midlands. The usual house jobs in big busy hospitals, followed by a first GP appointment in a big practice in the northern outskirts of the city, were typical career moves for a young doctor on the way up.

  Three things got in the way of that ambition. One was my wife, Mairi, an island Scot. She was never going to settle so far from the sea. We once drove from Birmingham to Aberystwyth and back in a day, just so she could see it. What we actually saw was rain – all the way – and an absolute absence of parking spaces when we got there. We drove along Aberystwyth esplanade, stopped for a few seconds to buy an ice cream from a van, causing a traffic jam as we did so, and headed home. But Mairi had seen the sea, and her mind was resolutely made up.

  My senior partners, Dr Dai and Dr Owen, were the second block to my advancement in Birmingham. They had qualified in Wales at the beginning of the war, had joined the army together, served in North Africa together, and had been captured together when they had volunteered to stay behind to tend the injured when the British had to retreat from Rommel. Their experience, they thought, had forged a lifetime friendship, so that when the war was over, they decided to go into partnership together. They were so close that they would willingly share, without the proverbial paddle, a canoe up the Orinoco.

  Sadly, by the time they decided to employ me, in 1964, their friendship had long been lost. They were paddling in opposite directions and the canoe had sunk without trace. No longer speaking to each other, it was their habit to communicate, and then only when absolutely necessary, by hand-written notes. Until I arrived, the note-carrier had been one of the receptionists, but the job, along with many others that I had never been trained for by my teachers in medical school, fell to me.

  They were short notes, usually referring to patients and their mistrust of each other’s diagnoses, the part that I was permitted to know about being written in English. The rest was written in Welsh, and was evidently even less polite. I never found out exactly why they were so hostile to each other, but I assumed it was something to do with their wives, and the way their incomes were split.

  It all came to a head for Mairi and me one week during my third month in the practice, when my first pay cheque was due. Mairi and I were wet behind the ears. I should have read the warning signs - the arguments between my partners and the huge extra load of work that I was expected to do in comparison to them. Our verbal agreement had been that I would be given a small advance each month to tide me over until I received my share of the practice income after three months. My gross pay was to be £2,500 a year – a colossal sum in those days – paid in three-monthly instalments from then onwards.

  So Mairi and I were looking forward to our £600 or so. We had a mortgage and a car loan to pay, and the overdraft had been growing apace since we had left the hospital residency. The cheque that arrived, however, was for £300, which would make my salary £1,400 a year. That evening I was in the branch surgery, which was attached to the senior partner’s house. I got there early, to ask about the discrepancy. The senior partner, Dr Dai, wasn’t there, but his formidable wife, Miriam, was. Miriam was the self-appointed practice manager and treasurer and as the senior partner’s wife, she was well aware of her dominance over a new junior GP.

  She put me right. There were a few things to come off my salary, she said – didn’t I know about them? Because Dai owned the buildings of both the main and branch surgeries, Owen and I had to pay him rent for using them. We also had to pay our share of their cleaners’ and gardener’s pay for keeping the practice premises neat and tidy. And there were all sorts of other practice expenses that had to be shared among the three of us. So the gross of £2,500 was quite legitimately whittled down to £1,400 – and that was before income tax. She reminded me that as the years progressed I would, step by step, earn a larger share of the profits, but I had to be patient. One day, she implied, I would be just as respected in the district as her saintly husband.

  She then handed me the draft partnership agreement, (which had taken three months for her to draw up). Could I take it home this evening and study it? All parties could sign it later in the week.

  I started that evening’s surgery in a suppressed fury. I hope it didn’t show on my face as I entered the waiting room to greet around forty car body workers and tyre makers all hoping to have their private sick notes signed. It was a Thursday evening. They had all signed off work sick on Monday morning: to get a full week’s wages from the car or tyre plant they could miss Monday to Thursday, but they had to get back to work on Friday, so this was the evening for their back-to-work notes. If they were really ill, and were off a whole week, they only got half pay. These patients knew how to manipulate the system to a nicety.

  I have no reason to suppose it was any different in any other industrial practice. In the English Midlands, the vast majority of work sickness absence stretched from Monday to Thursday. Friday was apparently a day of amazing good health. Manufacturing employers must have known that this was a tad odd, but had no answer to the power of the unions who had negotiated the rules, or indeed to the connivance of doctors like Dai and Owen, who were doing very well, thank you, from the sick note fees.

  I struggled through that evening surgery, slowly simmering with the injustice of my pay and the waste of my time with people obviously on the ‘take’. My first patient had had ‘backache’ on Monday and had been signed off by doctor Dai. It was better now, doctor, he said. So could he have a note to go back to work tomorrow, please?

  Anger must have clarified my mind. I decided to examine his back. No one had done that before. He protested: there was no need to do that, his back was perfectly OK now. It must have just been a muscle strain, he suggested, helpfully. I insisted: I wouldn’t be a good doctor, I said, if I didn’t examine him properly. After all I might miss a slipped disc or arthritis, or even kidney or prostate trouble. He lay down on the couch. I bent and stretched him, pummelled him and prodded him.

  It’s easy to make a back feel sore, even when it’s normal. A judicious prod here, a bit of pressure there, and you can make your patient yelp. Of course, it isn’t ethical or moral, but it sure is satisfying. My patient yelped.

  ‘Oh,’ I told him, sounding suitably serious. ‘Your back obviously isn’t right yet. Especially as you have such a heavy job in the factory. You had better stay off until we can sort out the cause and get it completely better. I’ll arrange for some X-rays. In the meantime I’ll sign you off for another two weeks.’

  He was thunderstruck. He knew, and he knew that I knew, that he was having me on. His back was as good as mine. Yet etiquette didn’t allow him to admit it. He protested again that the pain was nothing. I prodded him again just on the spot where the sciatic nerve emerges from betwe
en the third and fourth lumbar vertebrae. He yelped again.

  ‘There you are,’ I said triumphantly. ‘You still have pain. You can’t go back to work yet. Here’s your official sick note. You don’t have to pay for it, so that’ll save you paying us for a private one.’ I tore a sheet from the NHS pad, rather than the thicker one for private notes, and started writing. Official sick notes from the NHS didn’t cost a penny – they were used for longer spells off work, and were free. He and I both knew, of course, that it wouldn’t save him money to be off for another week – he would be on half pay. That would seriously limit his drinking funds over the weekend.

  ‘I don’t want it,’ he raged at me. ‘I’ll go back to work tomorrow anyway. And I’ll see Dr Dai in the future.’ He pushed himself off the couch with amazing agility, flexibility and speed for someone with such a bad back, stood up straight as a ramrod, and stomped out.

  I wrote up his notes meticulously, suggesting that we should investigate the repeated back problems that had kept him off work so many times in the previous year, stacked them away on my out-tray, stood up and walked with a sigh to the door, to usher in the next patient.

  I was surprised to see that half of the people in the waiting room were getting up to go. Patient number one had tipped off patients numbers two to twenty that I ‘was an examining doctor and didn’t hand out work notes to order’. I was no use to them, and they had decamped, grumbling into the Birmingham night.

  The evening surgery continued in a better mood, until close to its end. As I was talking to my last patient, a commotion from the waiting room interrupted us. I excused myself, and went to see what it was about. Lying on his back across three seats was a tramp, attended by two policemen. He was a stranger to me, which was unusual, as by this time I had got to know most of our small colony of homeless and vagrants.